#29

Tinder # 4

Now we all have a list,
maybe we have gone so far as to separate the long list from the short list, and really consider what the deal breakers are.

I have a lot of lists…..
boxes that are ticked, or red flags that appear, and outright deal breakers
foreign – tick
well travelled – tick
fitness – tick
lil bit of naughty – tick
a whole lot of smart – tick
tall – tick


and so on and so forth……

Jamie is a 38 year old Engineer, living in Auckland, he is half Maori Half Irish, he has been visiting this city for just over a week and is planning on moving here,  he is staying with mates from the army, has nice ink work and a good looking strong maori irish face, he is single, has 2 boys back in NZ, 9 and 6 or something like that and has done loads of travel….tick tick tickety tick…

We transition quickly into phone calls and texting,
he wants to catch up but has made previous plans with mates,
he calls at various times of the day and night and we spend quite a bit of time talking,
he is leaving this city on Sunday.
As time is running out he suggests he changes his flight to come and stay with me – I have a spare room.

He says he’s sleeping in my bed – mmmm confident

He changes his flight to stay for a couple of extra days – it feels like a friendship has already formed, I’m awash with that pathetic sense of potential……

A few excited texts, then calls me at 7am, his mates are dropping him to the airport, I offer to scoot down and pick him up and made a quick snide comment about – “didn’t he want his mates knowing he is staying with a strange woman he just picked up ?”…..he made no comment.

He is MUCH more portly than his photos would suggest (beware of headshot only selections), in fact he is outright over weight, but I’m not judgemental, even though I co-exist in the most physically fascist industry, I say you can build a body, you can’t build integrity or honesty, and so – there you go, it doesn’t matter how many texts, photos or conversations you have with someone – you learn more about them in the first 5 minutes than anything in cyber land could ever imply.

We go home and it doesn’t really take that long to get stuck in,
he is strong and quite aggressive, I think he is maybe trying to remove my tonsils with his tongue, he even slapped my ass a few times….( I don’t harbour secret rape fantasies), I allow it, I think I could still take him out in an arm bar and an elbow to his cheekbone if he gets out of hand.

My son arrives to drill him.
I make food, slave in the kitchen like a bi’atch, he
 leaves and we spend the afternoon talking about his life, his culture, his father, his mother, his kids…..his work, I can see how really over weight he is, and he says he really wants to get it off, but has a shoulder injury, he shows me some travel photos on facebook – I have hyper tenacity – and notice his face book page was a play on his name and not his real name – I didn’t think anything of it and was more interested in the amazing Maori photos American travel pics.
I did some work on his shoulder – for free !!! ( note to self – slap side of head before giving away free body work again) He responded with
a sudden and really sneeky slip-an-un-latexed-dick in me – and we’d already had a long conversation about passed encounters, safe sex etc – and in a pathetic moment I thought ohhhh he really likes me and wants to be with me……….
I can hear him on the phone later in the bedroom, excited, he says he’s just scored some work and needs to head back to NZ early, goes into lengthy detail about the job he will be doing, (there is no job)

I drop him to the airport the following day, with plans to come back and start a new life of exercise and healthy eating, fix his shoulder blah blah….

So when I arrived home I wanted to look at the amazing maori photos in his facebook profile and noticed he’d been tagged several times by a girl,  at various locations around Adelaide, immediately suspicious I text him making a joke about how facebook and its tags can be misconstrued !!!
within 20 minutes every photo of that girl had disappeared, clearly he did this ON the plane going back to Auckland.

A day later, I visit his page again, I remember her name, I find her in his friends list and look at her page and I can see that she is with him in photos at the times he had been calling me, is she a sister? a friend?, then I see the photos of the champagne at a ‘honey-moons’ retreat in the Barossa Valley, her posts feel heartfelt, her profile photo is of both of them together…..wtf?

After lengthy discussion with Amanda, I decide to email this girl and tell her everything –  not to hurt her but to warn her, because I’d want someone telling me…..Charlotte burst into tears, I consoled her and felt her pain, I explained that when I saw her facebook and she looked so serious about him I felt impelled to tell her………..we started joining the dots, and comparing times and calls, we realised even more how much he’d lied to both of us…..( isn’t there a movie coming out about this any minute?)

She met him while travelling in America, and had been ‘seeing’ him for nearly 2 years, daily phone calls, he cried the night before telling her how much he loved her, she paid for his holiday here, he was moving in with her and bringing his boys……she was so devastated, I felt like some sort of guardian angel to her

I just wish at various times of my life someone had called and warned me…….

She came up with a plan for us to meet and drink the wine he bought in the local wine region the day he was calling me, but with her….neither of us said anything to him, Valentine’s Day was only a day or so away…..,
one day with me, he told her he had LOST his phone, but managed to see a physio about his shoulder on Monday in NZ – she didn’t even know about his shoulder injury……

The following week we met for lunch, she was lovely, my son took photos of us smiling and drinking his wine. She waited for the 12 long stem roses to arrive, made a wonderful collage of photos of them and the roses and then posted on facebook,
“thanks for the roses babe, I thought I knew you – till I met your physio, you lying cheating scumbag”
his response was one of pure defeat, apologies for being underserving, said he just needed to know he was making the right decision.????wtf?

she got loads of responses, clearly a lot of people care about her !!!!

Now its really non of my business – but the minute you stick an unplasticated penis into me….its MY business…..and I’m back off to the clinic again…….my results were clear but I implied he should go and get checked anyway, she said she’d doubt he’d go…..


I summarised to him – mistake #1 pulling up your face book page, #2 no condom……

He’s also mentioned on the first day after sex quite smugly no one had EVER complained about his sexual performance….

I felt impelled to email him with an official complaint against him – siting ‘over aggressive borderline violence’, and ‘invasive tonsil massage’, or just plain ol’ bad-kissing’ (ouch)
I think he was nothing more than an opportunist, coming to sponge off poor Charlotte, and saw me as a potentially better prospect.

Charlotte now workouts at my gym, and is healing and moving on.

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