Dating website.

Now when I say ridiculously uncannily insane, 32 is definitely that.

His profile said he was 45, his photo showed him dishevelled with a greying beard, hence my somewhat polite yet reluctant responses to his short and blunt emails with equally short and blunt responses.

He was in the same industry, similar age, krav maga trained, his website boasts 35 years of fitness experience in both military and security, has his own studio and sounded quite passionate about training people – ditto – I responded with ……’.continue’….in a smug kind of way – he responded clearly to the dominance. ( I said it in more of a Graham Norton tone in my head and less dominatrix which is what it probably sounded like in his head )

He wrote me longer more detailed emails outside the common dating site revealing, that he was half Moari half Irish (oop there is it again), he was from London, in fact lived around the corner from me in Brixton when I lived there in the late 80’s. I think this somehow convinced him our destiny was to be together (red flag #1) He called me, it was interesting to hear a clipped ‘sarf lundun’ accent again, we chatted away, about London and living through the riots, sharing lots of stories, we chatted about our work, I asked about his mother (a standard question every woman should ask a man) and it seemed I opened a can of worms, of can of pure hatred, from a long history of abuse inflicted upon him by his mother, including isolation, starvation and physical abuse (red flag #2), and had only recently met his father. I asked if this affected the way he viewed women?, and he launched at me with such vitriol, “how dare I ?” he spat at me  a long list of things he loved about women but hated about his mother (red flag #3 – ok technically 3 flags indicate large alarm bells and mean one must retreat, although sometimes red flags can be counter balanced by many ‘ticks’) I calmed him down with apologies and sincere empathy to endure such abuse, now he is repulsed by my confident dominance of having such cheek to ask such questions, I emotionally recoil to a vulnerable place, he is mad at me for creating an argument before going to bed, I too dislike unresolved issues before sleep.

He immediately clicks into rather a compulsive consistent communication, text, email, phone calls multiple times a day (red flag #4). He is a stoic historian, and regularly sites quotes from ancient texts, feeling alignment with roman slaves, he wants a partner, he wants to be happy and have a fulfilling engaging loving partnership – he has picked me as his focus of attention, I get washed along. The conversations we have are highly emotionally elevated (red flag # 5)  I wave the flags down with my brain telling me that I too can be highly emotionally elevated, but when I’m spoken AT, when I am being lectured I can turn quite argumentative and difficult to say the least, we continue day after day with this overtly passionate conversation/ borderline arguing, – do I just want someone to argue with?, that really was the last 10 years of my last relationship……

I dislike talking ‘shop’ with others in the same industry, often times it feels like someone is trying to make a stance of being better than the other by talking about what they know, I don’t really care to talk shop unless its relevant, I still think I know nothing…….

He wants me to move to Sydney, share a love nest in the corner of his gym, set up his space for my yoga and massage…..he is going so fast I can feel the G force across my face….I’m trying to slow him down, can we just be friends first?

Turns out he’s 54 not 45 (red flag # 6, he said he was drunk the night he put his profile up.) He tells me he has taken his whole profile down, – is this the internet version of saying your committed to just one?? He has various neck injuries, and states that because the drugs he uses come from the doctor they are acceptable, but not street drugs. – hmm ok – what drugs I ask? he goes through a lengthy list of extremely strong opiate based tablets and patches, he says he prefers to ‘occasionally’ smoke pot for pain relief, I can hear him pulling a bong, expelling the smoke and coughing??? I think this to be inappropriate initial phone call etiquette.

The following morning he calls me and accuses me of being incapable of being in the present, that I am unable to be positive as all I want to do is talk about drugs, and he insists that he will not be with anyone with more addictions than himself, that is his rule. (red flag #7 )

We start to bounce between really lovely conversations and rather intense arguments about my addictions, me being difficult and not vulnerable enough. I’m confused. He wants me to read Emotional Intelligence and base ‘our’ relationship on that, he gets angry at me when I suggest there are any number of books that are valuable. He accuses my therapist of being uneducated and unprofessional. (red flag #8) He says HIS therapist is so confident of his mental state he signed his gun license and gave him permission to solve people’s mental issues ( red flag #8,9,10 and 11)

I’m feeling like he thinks he’s better than me, like I’m a client or something, trying to tell me how I should be training ( this is less a red flag for me and more like I am the bull)

He may have a rule of not being with another that has greater addictions

But I have a rule of not being anywhere near someone who has more mental health issues than me.

I look at his website and see a photo of him with a shaved head and clean face, he is 6 foot 6 and quite handsome, this spurs me on, – he is just a complex man, just as I am a complex woman. I call him when I wake, as he is usually the one that calls me, he is driving, he starts screaming at me, whilst also screaming apparently at others on the road too, I cant take being screamed at so early in the morning, I retreat from the phone call.  He starts texting me, long, intense, he begs to call me, he gets furious with me if I don’t pick up, so I pick up……he starts accusing me of saying he is too old and impotent, ( red flag # 12,13,14,15,16) that’s is…..I’m out….

I text him


“Congratulations – you have emotionally bludgeoned me to death – I cannot continue communication with you, I would rather be alone in peace than travel on a road like this. Please leave me alone”

He has – thank goodness.

I haven’t heard from him since, within 3 days he has reappeared on the said dating website, I consider this man to be extremely dangerous, I was a tiny bit tempted to call by his studio the next time I’m in Sydney but…..I think he is way too mental, I’m going to Black Jack wave my hands OUT of this one.

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