Now Oprah came out with two classic sayings…..

“People show you who they are”


“You teach people how to treat you”

keep that in mind……..

Now Tinder is getting a little tedious at this point, it has grown exponentially, I must admit this last month I’ve struggled to stay entertained by it all, this random colliding of people as they bounce back into the ether, I fell like Charlotte in Sex in the City, “I’ve been dating for 20 years, I’m TIRED. Where is he???” ( its actually only like 5 months but the novelty is wearing off)

Although this one kinda sparked a real interest. He had complained that he couldn’t find females that he had anything in common with, that he had some flings but was tired of not being able to communicate fully.  We have been chatting on Tinder a lot, and it seemed regardless of his age being – below the ‘law’ ( half your age plus 7 – which is now being modified to not having sex with anyone born in the 90’s) that we had a load of stuff in common and we got quite caught up in just that, topics of similar interest. He seemed really cool. We discussed the age thingy and it didn’t bother him. I’ve been kinda over it for a while, I don’t really care what age you are, do we get on well ?, or better yet – could I take you to a gathering that involved my friends and people I work with? I don’t mind young, but I don’t want to have to hide you.

He was into yoga, and meditation, he had even been on the 10 day meditation retreat in the blue mountains, (a-wow), he exercised a lot, lived in a big share house in a posh neighbourhood, worked construction during to day to accommodate his alternate lifestyle. He talked spirullina, macha, coconut water, chlorella, peyote, he had all the buzz words. We texted about a lot of subjects, I could see we had friends in common, we talked about sex, relationships, gardening….you name it. We figured the next best thing would be to hang out. See if we ‘click’, everything else seemed to be fitting just fine. He didn’t look like a guy i would normally be attracted too, but I was attracted to the kind of person he was presenting. He suggested a bottle of winter red at my place, easy.

He arrived and of course it’s always a lil awkward trying to imprint the image we have created in our minds to what someone actually looks and feels like in your presence. I noticed he had almost black eyes, his energy felt very grounded, he had green hands, we settled in the living room and began furiously chatting about anything and everything. We figured out pretty quick that we both knew quite prominent people in the  healing community here. That explained his hands, – for those wandering what ‘green hands’ are, its a reference to energy and auras, I can see peoples colour and energy, and green energy and auras especially hands indicate a healing energy, someone who has green energy coming out of their hands are potentially strong healers. Easy-peasy, wow, I’m kinda impressed, there I was trying to date men my age or older than me, only to realise age really doesn’t determine how much of a grasp you have on this life at all. We shared all the same tv serials, same movies, agreed on a whole bunch of world issues, this shit was getting deep !!! He wanted to look at my garden, and with our phones on ‘torch’ I showed him round my yard, we chatted winter veggies and compost. wow – I like this person, it felt really comfortable and familiar. He grows pot and peyote, and loves psychedelics, has gone through some shit but seems to be out the other end. He sat at my drafting table and started looking at some tattoos and drawings I’ve been working on, he loved them and asked to see more (cliche I know) I showed him a few life drawings, litho prints, he was impressed, (thank god 5 years at art school came in handy for something !!!) Actually I am proud of my work and I’m happy to show it to anyone who wants to see it, they are generally called ‘Exhibitions’ !!! lol

I just had this overwhelming feeling to be really close to him, not like sex, but just to get closer to that green energy, I wanted to actually feel it, just cheek to cheek kinda thing, get in his ‘personal bubble’. We had already opened another bottle so it was like – we are either going to be talking all night or your sleeping over, I said straight up, “I’d like you to stay but I don’t want to have sex with you”.  We kept chatting, playing music, swapping podcasts and books, and it was getting close to 2.30am, We went to my room and  we must have spent ages just laying there, touching not really doing anything, putting off even lips meeting, it all felt amazing, his soul suddenly felt older than mine, he was like this fucking zen master, he has a really soft thick beard, his tongue is pierced, a nipple. he is at least 6 foot tall, not a scrap of fat on him……………………and yeah well it all just felt too good and one thing led to another and we got naked.

It went from this totally connected Zen loving experience to suddenly going into this incredibly disconnected genital smashing, severe male investment in orgasm (there’s the age giveaway). I don’t think I have ever been SO pounded SO hard and fast in all my life, (well actually once, but thats another blog – and at least this guy’s dick wasn’t an assault rifle, but it’s still painful, there is no pleasure in the extreme prolonged ‘smack-smack’) The sheer sound of skin smacking against skin surely would have disturbed my neighbours ( yeah pay back is a bitch ! )  Anyway this happened probably 5 times, yummy smoochy connected energy, then disconnected SMACK SMACK SMACK………smack smack smack harder faster, harder even faster and finally he would orgasm and pull out really quick and collapse. Geesh, I thought, at least I’ve done some cardio today……. !!

We got up late,  had some green tea, chatted about our day and he left. I was quite smitten, apart from the disconnected hard and fast. (I will recommend some reading for him on Enlightened Sex, he has loads of potential, maybe he can grow)  He texted me several times later that day, just asking how my day was going, and again the next day, he was going to come to my yoga class that night but had a meeting the following day, he texted again the following day…..really sweet, very connected. And then………he just disappeared. Co-incidentally that day we had a staff meeting and I got to catch up with the crew, predominantly male, 20 something’s and the topic of conversation was people who disappear and don’t return calls or texts, it wasn’t me that started it, but it resonated. The group consensus was that it’s rude, bad manners and in this day and age of technology there are a plethora of ways to get messages to people – if you want too.

Two days later, he says his phone died, but I can see him active on Tinder. I’m not buying it. Fucking Tinder, I now have a pet hate against phone apps that tell us when someone is online and how many miles away they are, its unobtrusively cultivating passive aggressive stalking.  Now just bouncing back to how this blog started, “you teach people how to treat you”,  I guess you actively teach or refuse to accept such behaviour and get the hell away. I don’t know the guy well enough to know if he’s dead or just being a dick, but my care factor is waning…..

Whatever fantasy I was sporting about tantric love-making and 10 day meditation retreats, hours of yoga together and showing up at work bar-bq’s, is now just disintegrating, it probably doesn’t help that my son has also been missing for days and my boss is being a cunt to me. This feels like a disconnected sting. He has now dissolved into blog fodder –

#44 Freddy Fast and Furious.

I write the blog. Literarily disposed of. Pity, he had potential. It’s not often, but sometimes I’m surprised by people.

It’s harsh I know, ok so ‘smack smack smack’ is a red flag,-  it could be worked on though….. disappearing is a huge red flag……possibly 2 flags and not returning messages is the 3rd flag.  I have a 3 red flag rule and you’re out,  I mean what did I expect, moving from ‘platform of negotiation’ to ‘honeymoon’ to ‘power struggle’ in a record 4 days (um what platform of negotiation??). Like Sharky Snatch says “why wouldn’t you have sex on the first date, that way you know whether to have sex on the second date’ !!! Start how you want to finish, is what I have learned. I have a really low tolerance to bullshit apparently. However I feel I do have a civic duty to teach him how to make love.!!


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