tinder # 15
The population of Tinder seems to double everyday, every man and his dog are up there. Frankly grovelling around here in the tragic trenches of the single dating world is grimy. People just wanting to connect, but yet so disconnected. I was bored last week, so had a quick flick – its slim pickin’s out there, swipe left, left, left, left leftleftleftleftleftleftleft, oh – stop – a nice body (ya know they never look like their photos right?)…… incredibly fit, at the beach, dickie bathers, brown, ( I deliberately avoid them like the plague in this country, they get way too much attention) but when I look he has photos that have him in a ghee doing BJJ, this sparks my interest – Mike 30 “Only Bad Bitches Apply” I swipe right, he’s already swiped me, I can be a bad bitch- sometimes, I text him, he looks like an arrogant son of a ‘bad-bitch’. I’m a lil intrigued but cautious. He responds quickly with ‘dirty thoughts require like minded’ or something like that and we establish that he trains with a well known dojo – this intrigues me more, I say this interests me more than his body …he says I’m a bad liar. We jump to text format on our phones, and start texting, he invites me to his apartment in the city immediately, he sounds smug and says something that I think in hindsight was trying to portray humour but came across as mean, I don’t know the guy I haven’t heard his voice – you can’t intonate humour in ‘text land’ it ends up in miscommunication. He wanted me to take him to dinner and then he would PT me, no sex, he said and let’s reassess after that – ok sounds like a plan, except YOU take ME to dinner and I will PT YOU. It ends awkwardly. He reappears the next day, he is working but he asks me to call him, and we will meet at a local pub for some food, as I’m on my way he calls and says the kitchen is closed at this particular place, and is heading towards home, come and pick me up. ok.
I find his apartment and manage to get in the building behind someone, he opens the door and of course he doesn’t look like any of his photos, I look at him. ‘you’re not going to kill me are you?’ he just stares at me with a small smile, he is attractive, he has a full beard that looks 6 months old, dorky safety glasses on, a baseball cap on backwards and a santa cruz sweat shirt and grey sweatpants ( so glad he dressed up for me !!!!) I walk in saying I SO hope your not the arrogant fuck your coming across as………I take my heels off, he has white carpet and an amazing apartment with a view of the city, that I have never seen before.
I tell him that I’m due to eat, he says that he will cook for me. Im chatting, trying to create a conversation, but this guy ain’t giving me a thing, he randomly turns to me, and just stares at me, into my eyes, with a small smile, – is this his sexy face ? or I’m going to chop you into little pieces face? he takes his baseball cap off to reveal a clean freshly shaved head, he reminds me of someone, like a dorky gangsta kinda vibe, he keeps routinely turning around and just staring straight into my eyes, then he would turn around and continue chopping vegetables, I’m trying to make small talk as I look out of the windows and balcony, “how long have you lived here?” ” I lil while” – “ok” “whats the rent” ” I don’t know the company pays for it” “ok, you don’t walk to work?’ “no, I have company car” “ok” ( this is like pulling teeth) ok so he works in oil and gas, – I make a comment about mining raping and pillaging the earth, he replies with a sinister, your just as responsible you have an Iphone – touche I say……..heavy sigh……THEN………..he puts the vegetables in a container and PUTS THEM IN THE MICROWAVE !!!!!!!!!! OMG I laugh, you know your killing all the enzymes in the food? he turns and gives me one of those long penetrating stares again, and THEN he grabs olive oil to cook sausages with, lol “ya know your not meant to cook with olive oil at high heat, it destroys its molecular chain? he ignores me this time, I say you HAVE heard of the internet right? You might be smart but are you EDucated ( I dont actually say this Im still in reserve mode) for those that spend the majority of their time training, doing martial arts where your body is your temple, you want to feed it properly with good nutrition and train it properly, I’m quite gobbasmacked that someone of the age of 30 who says he’s been doing brazilian jiujitsu for 6 years doesn’t know this or has even heard of it……..
So we sit down and eat enzyme free veg. and molecular destroyed chicken sausages, he says nothing but I can hear his teeth chomping together. The minute I finish, he swipes the plate from underneath me and proceeds to manically wash the plates and stove and countertop !. Anal, I think, fastidious or he just doesn’t want to speak to me? Im so confused, I close my eyes and breath, he then appears and awkwardly grabs my arm, I can’t get out of the chair with him pulling me that way so I stop so I can actually stand up, I think he is directing me towards the couch but NO – he tries to walk me to the bedroom, I burst out laughing and say “really…your kidding right?, what happened to the agreement of food and PT, no sex? ” he retreats and sits on the couch, I ask him does that really work for you? cause I need way more than that, he did actually acknowledge with some wisdom that men are visual and woman are emotional over dinner so…..am I missing something, he says “gimme a call tomorrow if you can we can hang out” IF I CAN? what about if I want to?, and ( I do the pseudo first and second finger hook inverted commas with my hands) “hangout” or fuck – he says fuck…….
He lays back on the couch with his feet up , says your phone is over there, grab it and go and closes his eyes………I say thanks for dinner and leave, he doesnt say goodbye or even open his eyes. wow, wow, people like that actually exist, damn its getting brutal out here.
I immediately text my GF, incredible, I just hope my son doesnt end up like that at 30.
The next day I follow up with a text (verbatim)
“You seem like a smart guy, men are visual woman are emotional, I didn’t see whats underneath the clothing but a student of that particular dojo i would assume is well trained and has discipline you didn’t attempt to connect with me mentally or emotionally, what would make you think we would connect physically? Are you trying to save money on call out prostitutes?, Or have you been hit in the head too many times?, or had your heart ripped out and drop kicked to explain such behaviour? Besides I would never ever be with someone so Uneducated as cooking food in a microwave or frying with olive oil – SEE you don’t know everything after all – PS ask your work if they have a dental plan while your there………( he had partially fucked up teeth)
needless to say I haven’t heard from Microwave Mike since. ( arrogant fuck)